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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

personal post...
been thinking for the whole of last night and realised that we are at the crossroads once again .i hate the facts that the problems keep resurfacing out of nowhere and you're telling me you're so confused and can't make up your mind.Maybe i have think too much or maybe i'm just right but right now u said that u need time to think carefully for one day and u gonna make sure that u can only do things that u can achieve.Since at the beginning of our relationship you are so unsure in us than why does we even agree to be together in the first place??

I'm too,confused myself with the truth.it is only until recently that i started pondering over this question:how much do i know myself,what i really wants?i guess the biggest problem with me is that i don`t know myself at all.i always take things as they come and i never really knew what i want.in studies, in work, in love, in life, and in everything..i should have long know that this relationship with you might be in lots of pain when i enter poly.(really scared being hurt once more in a relation)i'm sorry that i always kept my door shut toward you that becox i went through many hurtful past relations and now i`ve got to know myself better than anyone else.only then will i be capable of understanding other people.i don`t wanna let anything fail me again,and nobody shall have the chance to award me a death penalty anymore.
and after nearly 17 years of breathing..
i just want to find me. (:
At first i really tot that there will not be any problems and i would be happily forever after with you but in the end i think that I'm too childish to even think about it. Maybe reality caught up to us, maybe we just weren't meant to be.
You know what hurt the most is when u can't even give me a confirm answer face to face that our relationship would be stable after poly.All u just said is that you will try to pull our relationship back in the 2 years time.Since u long knew that we would drift apart than why do i even need to hold on tightly to you.
i might be the one who started all these problems,but these is all because i wanted to know the truth.i wanted to know wat position i am in your heart.
At one point you were telling me how important I am to you and how you don't want to lose me - that make us forget about our problems.Then you tell me that you need time to think about us.That is when i feel so disconnected to you . I don't know what to do as i realised that you still not confident enough in us.That night,i just wave to you wif a fake smile and walk home alone with an empty heart.I'm so disappointed,i guess this is the first time i ever use this word in our relation.
I'm just going to have to leave you alone .I want things the way they used to be .and because i can only guess, i assume you feel for me the same way i do for you,i think i was totally wrong abt it. althought I love you but obviously your love isn't as strong as you say it is.
At this point ,is it time to face the fact that this relationship is over???
PS: ACTUALLY ALL I WANT YOU TO SAY LAST NIGHT WAS "I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU NO MATTER WAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
♫ i always wanted to ask.
if you understood just a little of my feelings,
although i never told you... ♫

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She blogged her story @ 1:11 AM